Harry Potter and the New Beat
by GillzB
Summary: Formerly HP and the House of Cool, but I just changed it bc i hope more will read it now, it was my first fan fic, so keep that in mind, and realize it's just kind of a parody; please R &R!
1. Default Chapter

Howdy! Please R&R etc. I don't own HP or any of the HP characters, they're JK's. If I DID own them I'd be ecstatic. I'm just trying to have fun with this and but in some things I think are funny, and I might be the only one to think them funny.but oh well. I'll leave now so you can read (and tell me what do better!) ~*BYE!!*~ love, me  
  
Harry Potter and the House of Cool SOME SPOILERS FOR OoTP  
Early on the morning of July 31st a young wizard named Harry Potter sat on his bed, snapping his fingers.  
"Man, I just dig this beat!" exclaimed the now 16-year-old wizard.  
"Harry- man-it's your birthday-go go -go go Harry- man- it is- the day to- commem- orate your birth" Harry continued in a syncopated rhythm.  
Suddenly Dudley thundered into his room. "Where's my breakfast?" bellowed the cow, " What are you bloody singing? You sound like a madman."  
"Not that you'd understand, but it happens to be a poetic beat that's going to be famous someday"  
"Huh?"  
"Po-e-try! Po like the telletuby, then the letter "e" and "try" like a tree"  
"Oh- right- right. I know it now. What, did you think I was stupid?"  
"Think, thought, will think, doesn't matter!"  
  
Just as Dudley considered risking magical maladies and going for Harry, time froze and Harry jumped into the air in a Matrix-style fashion. Dudley crashed through the floorboards and eventually landed in the basement that's never been mentioned before.  
  
"Wow, I guess I really am a cool cat!" Harry beamed. Suddenly Oliver Wood apparated into Harry's room so that the movie would be able to show more of the HOTTEST guy ever.  
  
"Did ya like that Potter? I thought I'd give that tub of lard a right whipping. So, anyway, Potter, next year at Hogwarts you have to catch the Snitch! Remember that you'd make a fair beater too! Cheer for Puddlemere United. I'm gonna keep talking so you can hear my great accent. Everyone goes to the bloody stupid movies to see me anyway. Now Harry, take care and whenever possible have a flashback that includes me! Thanks!"  
  
::Sigh:: I wish they'd make an Oliver Wood spin-off, now back to my terrible story  
  
"That- was weird- man," Harry said in his cool new beat. "I think I'll write letters to Sirius(yes Sirius is alive now. It turns out that he was just kidding!!), Ron, and Hermione, respectively, to tell them how hip I am!"  
  
Meanwhile, Dudley stomps around the basement looking for food for his pre- breakfast meal. He eventually figures out that they don't have any food in the basement and goes to the kitchen.  
  
Harry's room I wonder why wizards use quills and not ballpoint pens wondered Harry.  
  
Dear Snuffles,  
How are you doing? Listen up daddio (well the closest thing to my daddio), I picked up a brand new beat!  
Yours Truly,  
Harry  
  
Dear Hermione,  
Did you know that before the movies came out most people didn't know how to say your name? Oh yeah! I got a brand new beat! Can you dig it?  
Yours truly,  
Harry  
  
Dear Ron,  
What's the hap home fry? It's your main man Harry P. and I've got a brand new beat!  
Sincerely,  
Harry  
  
Soon and sure enough Harry received responses.  
  
Dear Harry,  
I am doing well thanks. I'm also excited about your beat but be extremely careful! This year could be dangerous!  
Yours truly,  
Snuffles  
  
Dearest Harry,  
I was not aware of the massive mispronunciation of my name! Honestly! Doesn't anyone read Hogwarts, A History?? There's a pronunciation guide to each new students name! I suppose I dig your new beat, Harry, but only if it doesn't distract you from your schoolwork. I think Ron might fancy me! We're spending the summer together, but I can't say any more about that! Ron keeps mentioning how big an oaf Krum is. He said that if a guy that size can't even fight off the Impervious Charm he's no good! I best be off and I probably shouldn't say this, but you might expect some competition in regards to your new beat!  
Love and best wishes,  
Hermione  
  
Dear Harry,  
I can't believe you got a new beat! I'm getting a new beat too! Only I bet yours will be more popular because I'm the lovable sidekick and that's my job! Oh well, everyone loves me anyhow. I just wanted to remind you about Oliver Wood while I'm at it! Oh and I can't tell you were I am, but I can tell you that Hermione thinks I fancy her! DON'T tell her I said this, but I might fancy her. Of course you know my taste in girls is never very good! I did fall for Fleur and I reckon she's off with Bill at Gringott's.I just knew he was after her. Best be off, mate!  
Your friend,  
Ron  
  
Harry read the letters over and over until one day the Dursleys went out to enter Dudley in a Mr. Universe contest. Right, thought Harry, I reckon it's a Mr. "Who can swallow the Universe whole" contest. A few minutes after they left Harry heard a lot of poetry downstairs in the kitchen. He quietly made his way to the first floor, carefully avoiding the creaking stair.  
  
Harry gasped in astonishment. Mad-eye Moody and Lupin, among other wizards from the OoTP were chanting poetry and snapping their fingers while sitting at the kitchen table! 


	2. The Arrival at the House of Cool

OK! So, I don't own ANYTHING except some of my wacky ideas and some weird people I made up. All the good characters belong to JKR, and if I did invent these guys I would be rich and working on book 6.  
  
Chapter 2- "The Arrival at the House of Cool"  
  
Harry took a few sharp breaths as he took in the sight before him. "Hey there, Harry," stated Moody.  
  
"Harry! How are you!" cried a weary looking Lupin.  
  
"I'm alright I suppose. What's going on?"  
  
"Well, you probably heard us chanting, didn't ye?" sought Moody.  
  
"Actually, I did, which is funny because I recently started doing some poetry myself. I've become quite the little syncopated rhythm master if I do say so myself.and I do."  
  
"We've got news for you Harry. We can't tell you here though. Tonks and some other people that take too long to type are here too. Why don't we just pretend you're all packed and ready so we can just go? Sound good? Alright then."  
  
So. Moody, Lupin, Tonks, Harry, and some other people left Privet Drive and arrived in front of a tragically hip looking building.  
  
"What is this place? Why am I here? Do wizards pay taxes?" questioned the young wizard.  
  
"Shh. Just act like you would when entering the Leaky Cauldron," hushed Lupin.  
  
"OK."  
  
The assorted bunch of wizards entered the building and gazed around at the strange architecture surrounding them.  
  
"G'Day!" cried an elderly, hunch-backed witch one eye.  
  
"Hullo!" Lupin cheerily replied.  
  
"That's my great aunt," said Lupin quietly to Harry.  
  
Harry noted the resemblance between the witch and the statue that led to Hogsmeade, but he said nothing.  
  
"So, now that we're inside, WHERE am I???" demanded the frustrated young boy.  
  
"Calm down you young thing. In my day young people weren't allowed to talk," croaked an ancient looking wizard named Whana Komoffer.  
  
"Sorry, but PLEASE! Where the bloody are we?"  
  
"We are in the most sacred building of the ya-ya's," said Moody.  
  
"The wha-wha's??"  
  
"Never mind, I was simply referring to the book and/or movie concerning that particular group of people. Now, Harry, we are in the House of Cool. Before you open your trap again, I'll explain. I'm feeling cranky and I don't want to be interrupted. Only people who are aware of return of evil and are determined to put a stop to him may enter this place. You have noticed yourself becoming more and more poetic.Not long after we received our poetic "license" and were able to easily speak in rhythm. Dumbledore cast a spell that would allow all of those aware of and against evil to recognize each other. All those who are on our side can speak in this "tongue" and no, it's not like parseltongue you don't hiss, and we will have these mock poetry bashes to meet and discuss our plans," finished Moody.  
  
"Wow. So I guess that means I'm not the only one to have a cool new beat."  
  
"Like, DUH!" exclaimed Moody.  
  
"Uh.Moody?" inquired Lupin.  
  
"Sorry, got carried away."  
  
"So, Harry, do you see what we're saying? At school, you'll need to figure out some of the people on our side! You were the first to receive this ability for obvious reasons, and as more and more people will become aware, we need to determine which side they are on and this tool will enable us to do that!" Lupin further explained.  
  
"I see.So where are Ron and Hermione?"  
  
"We're here!" cried Hermione.  
  
"Yep!" exclaimed Ron.  
  
"Well I'm going to be kind of mad at you for not writing that much, and even though I understand your circumstances I am still fairly upset."  
  
"Oh. Ok," said Ron.  
  
"When will our first poetry bash be?" asked the boy who lived.  
  
"Well, we've already had a few. You got your poetic license about two weeks ago and we got ours a few days later and the other children got theirs a few days after that, so we've actually had several. We just needed to wait for the Dursleys to get out of the house to get you. Please don't be in a really bad mood, because that's no fun," explained Tonks.  
  
"Ok, fine. I won't," said Harry, suddenly more brightly.  
  
"Well, let's just pretend school starts tomorrow and so we can get to Hogwarts soon!" suggested Lupin.  
  
"Sounds WICKED!"shouted Ron.  
  
"Oh and Harry," continued Lupin.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"There's some one here to meet you!"  
  
Harry turned and looked around, but he could see no one. Suddenly Sirius appeared after taking off an invisibility cloak.  
  
"SIRIUS!!! I've missed you so much!!"  
  
"Harry! I've missed you too! Oh and I was just wearing the invisibility cloack for effect, those soul-sucking dementors can't get me here!"  
  
"That's terrific! How's Buckbeak?"  
  
"Oh Beaky's fine, upstairs right now actually.  
  
Harry hugged Sirius tightly around the waist and nearly cried with happiness.  
  
"I can't believe you fooled me before! I was so sad. It was like becoming an orphan all over again!"  
  
"I felt so bad about that, but Dumbledore said the readers needed a way to find out why people become ghosts."  
  
"Did you hear some of those crazy rumors? Like the one that Snape's a vampire or the one that Remus is actually my dad in disguise? Wow, I wonder if any of them are true!"  
  
"I actually did hear many of them. However, I'm not the biggest fan of rumors since everybody used to believe wrong rumors about me."  
  
"Yea, a lot of rumors are dumb. Oh well."  
  
Some of the members of the OoTP, all the Weasleys (except for Percy who was being a Crum Bum, Bill who was at Gringotts flirting up a storm with Fleur, and Charlie who was temporarily facilitating Martha Stewart's trial for some reason), Hermione, and finally Harry enjoyed a nice dinner while chatting about the Weird Sisters, Quidditch, and other assorted topics. Soon, it was time to say good night and get on the sleepy time express, to prepare for the Hogwarts Express the next day (hahahaha.not).  
  
Morning came a few hours too soon for Fred, George, Ron, Ginny, Hermione, and Harry who had stayed up very late the night before.  
  
TBC with "Breakfast" 


	3. Breakfast and Diagon Alley

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry or Ron or Hermione or Sirius or any of the terrific characters JKR created for us to enjoy  
  
A/N I haven't really been working on this lately because I'm trying out a L/J fan fic, but I hope people are reading this and reviewing it if they can because that really helps. Thanks so much for reading!! You're awesome!  
  
~*Breakfast and Diagon Alley*~ aka Chapter 3  
  
Harry woke up quite early on the day that was really in early August, but since time sped up rather quickly, it will be the day they're going to get ready for Hogwarts and school will start the following day. Okay? Good. Anyway, Harry stretched and yawned and performed typical early morning tasks such as splashing some water on his face, getting dressed, and heading downstairs to breakfast (hence the chapter title). He was rather shocked when he found the rest of the household already seated at the table, waiting for him to arrive.  
  
"Why- have you- lot- come down- so early this morning?" Harry questioned, speeding up at the end because he found that he could speak much more quickly when he didn't have to draw out any syllables.  
  
"Harry, I'm sorry, but haven't you read anything? Ever? When you go to a magical sort of hiding place there is a time difference and since we've all been here for a while we've adjusted and you obviously haven't. It must seem quite early in the morning to you, but we're used to it. Please, I'm begging you just a few pages a week. It won't hurt I promise," begged Hermione.  
  
"Shut up- Hermione. I read. Yes- I know it's Quidditch related -material and only required- school reading, but too- bad. I'm happy and-I can defeat Voldemort faster than you can so na na - na na- boo- boo."  
  
"Erm.ok Harry."  
  
"Don't worry about him, Hermione. He's just cranky in the morning," whispered Ron to the object of his affection.  
  
Hermione giggled and replied, "Just like my granny!"  
  
Harry sighed and sat down.  
  
"Now Harry, after we finish up our breakfast you'll all head out to Diagon Alley and pick up all of the school supplies. We already ate so please hurry and scarf something down," said Sirius.  
  
"Ok," replied Harry, "But why can I sometimes talk in the beat and sometimes not?"  
  
"Oh, that's quite simple Harry. Honestly, Harry. I don't even think that warrants an explanation," stated Hermione.  
  
"All right then," Harry agreed immediately.  
  
In the following minutes Harry took Sirius's advice and ate hurriedly. Soon after he finished all the kids went to their respective bedrooms and retrieved their trunks. They were to spend the night before their trip to Hogwarts at the Leaky Cauldron and arrive at Platform 9 ¾ quite early the next morning.  
  
"Oh my," gasped Hermione as she looked inside a store window and saw a stack of brand new books, gleaming and glossy, reflecting the fluorescent lighting of the tacky storefront.  
  
"Geez, Hermione," started Ron, "Getting all excited over a stack of boo- Whoa! Get a look at that broomstick would ye? That's just beautiful." Harry turned his head to look at the broomstick but instead found himself face to face with Draco Malfoy who was sneering as usual.  
  
"Potter, Weasel, Mudblood," Malfoy spat, looking at each of the three friends as he said his nicknames for them.  
  
"Oh go stick a broomstick up your bum, would ye?" suggested Ron.  
  
"RON!" Hermione exclaimed, "Don't say something you'll regret just because of this piece of filth."  
  
"I think you'll be the one to regret something, you bloody come to our school thinking you're great just because you're smart. You're still a stupid Mudblood and nothing will ever change that."  
  
Hermione first sighed and then yawned. She then decked Malfoy and he was out cold for at least ten minutes. The other Weasleys assisted the three friends in carrying him over to an alley and left him lying next to a woman named Mildred who sold plums and Fig Newtons.  
  
"Hermione! That was brilliant! I think I love you!" cried Ron.  
  
"You do?" Hermione asked eagerly.  
  
"Well.erm.figuratively speaking."  
  
"Oh.ok."  
  
Hermione and Ron quickly turned away from each other to avoid further embarrassment. Harry began giggling and soon fell over. He just could not stop giggling.  
  
"Harry! Harry! What's wrong? Speak to us!" cried Ginny in an extremely frightened manner.  
  
"I - haha- just can't -hehe- stop - ho ho ho- laughing-haha hehe hoho."  
  
"Uh oh. Ron, do you know what this means?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Um, no. Duh Hermione, that's your bloody job, isn't it?"  
  
"Someone's put him under the Ridere Perpetuum (laugh forever) curse!"  
  
"Oh of course, why didn't I think of that," scoffed Ron.  
  
"It's serious, Ron! Harry could suffer humiliation beyond belief! The person who cast the spell must be around here somewhere. Let's go look. Ginny, you stay here with Harry, ok?"  
  
Hermione and Ron go off in search of the culprit and find themselves encountering swarms of laughing, giggling, and even hysterical witches and wizards! Hermione shook her head worriedly while Ron glanced about nervously, afraid of looking stupid like the rest of them. Suddenly Oliver Wood appeared!  
  
"Have no fear! The hottest guy in the universe is here!" the extremely hot Oliver stated loudly.  
  
Hermione tilted her head, sighed, and wished to be his. Then she remembered that Harry was in trouble. Then she looked at Oliver Wood some more. Finally, Ron gave Hermione a bit of a punch in the arm and told her they needed to ask Oliver Wood about the culprit behind this laughter.  
  
"Ok, fine, but I get to talk to him!" Hermione said excitedly.  
  
::ahem:: "Oliver? Do you have a spell to stop all the laughter?" Hermione questioned timidly. "Of course I do!" the nice sexy man replied, "Sistere Stupidus Animi Motus." (stop stupid emotion in Latin, roughly)  
  
"Thanks ever so much," Hermione sighed.  
  
"Any time sweet cheeks."  
  
Sadly, Oliver Wood had to go away again, back to Puddlemere United Quidditch practice.  
  
"Hermione, what's wrong with you? You totally change whenever that Oliver fellow comes along. You get all dopey and mushy and act like a git," Ron observed.  
  
"Oh honestly Ron! Have you LOOKED at the man? He's flippin' gorgeous!!"  
  
Ron shook his head slightly, realizing that he'll never be able to understand women.  
  
"At least he got the spell to stop all that annoying laughter done." Ron stated.  
  
"We'd better go back to Harry!"  
  
So, the two teens who should be going out walked back to Harry to find him sitting down next to Fred, George, and Ginny, eating a bit of chocolate. He had figured that since chocolate had helped him before he should try it again.  
  
"Goodness, Harry. You need to stop scaring us like that!" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"Yeah, I know. I'm good at that, eh?"  
  
"The question of who performed the spell still remains."stated Ron.  
  
"It was I!" admitted a vaguely familiar voice.  
  
Who performed the spell? What was their motivation? DO wizards pay taxes? For answers to these questions (and perhaps even to the tax question!) please stay tuned and please write a review for this utterly ridiculous story! Thanks ~*gillian 


End file.
